She has the answers…

Vargas

So, your man has hurt your feelings? This happens now and then.

We women have a tendency to be incredibly emotional creatures.  There is nothing wrong with that but, there are good and bad ways to tell your man that he has done this.

Unless you are with a man who is abusing you in many ways and who you should leave, report to the authorities, and get away from as quickly as possible (and is not the sort of man or situation that I am referring to here!) there is a very good chance that your man did not mean to hurt your feelings.  In some cases, he may not have even realised that he did. A man who genuinely cares for you wants to know if he has hurt you.  Of course he wants to know! He wants to know, so that he can take steps to fix the situation, or try to avoid doing so again. You matter to him, remember? However, there is a right and wrong way to go about letting him know how you feel at times like this.

Clear communication is key.  Men do not like ‘drama’.  Even if he loves you a great deal, a man will shy away from you the minute you start to tearfully accuse him, or insult him, or yell and scream and rant at him because you are upset.  Men really do not like such emotional displays.  Perhaps you have decided to give him ‘the silent treatment’, instead?  There is a good chance that, if a man does not recognise this as a passive-aggressive display of anger on your part, he will simply think that you wish to be left alone, and will not approach you.

No.  Calm yourself down first before approaching him on the matter.  No tears, no accusations, no emotional displays. Wait until you are calm and, once you are, express yourself in a clear, emotionless, and honest way.  Tell him that you are feeling upset and why, as concisely as possible.  There is no need to go into hours worth of detail, either!  That is equally ineffective.

Resist the urge to accuse him; as if he knew that he was hurting you.  Do not say, for example, “You love making me feel bad about myself”, or “You say you love me? Well, you obviously don’t because you just said…”  Remember, he may not have even realised that he had hurt your feelings, so don’t assume that he knows or has done so deliberately!  This kind of accusation will also put him on the ‘defensive’ straight away, and you want to resolve the conflict, don’t you?  Once both of you are angry, or he has fled the situation in order to escape the ‘drama’, conflict resolution is very difficult to achieve, now, isn’t it?

Avoid ‘absolutes’, too.  Saying things like “You always say…” or, “You do this all the time…” are examples of ‘absolutes’.  These should be avoided when you speak with him.

Men really do appreciate being approached calmly.  They are more likely to listen to you, tackle the situation, and work on resolving it if you can talk to them calmly, and explain why you feel the way that you do.

Try it the next time you find yourself in a situation like this.  If you are used to crying, and accusing your man, or getting angry at him when you are hurt, wait until you are calm and see if you get more effective results by doing so.

I am certainly not telling you that you have no right to be upset, or hurt, or angry in a situation in which you feel hurt. Your own feelings are important.  No,  I am simply saying that you will have a much more productive conversation that leads to resolution if you can approach your man about how you feel in a calm and rational way.

Leave the ‘drama’ in the theatrical realms, where it belongs, and approach the task at hand in an honest and clear way.  It really does make such a lot of difference.

The Mistress.

Comments on: "When He Hurts Your Feelings: Effective Communication is Key" (2)

  1. What you have written is a general thing that any mature woman would follow whenever her man hurts her. I think you could have written about what woman can do when their man hurts her and then when she goes to her man with great calmness and explains her hurt in the most loving and calming words but the man just gets defensive and does not accept the truth instead blames her attitude and making mole out of small things. In such situations what should a woman do. Be silent so that she will be taken for granted. or do what???

  2. I can tell you from experience…calming down a bit, thinking about what you want to say first, and NOT accusing make a world of difference! For one thing it throws them off a bit, because most girls DO NOT take the time to do this!

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